| (no subject) |
[Jun. 7th, 2006|02:46 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
why is blocking someone on IM so liberating? I love it. |
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| Booty & The Beat |
[Nov. 22nd, 2005|06:31 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  hopeful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The Classic Crime, "Albatross" | ] |
I think I might be homesick...I realized I've only been home once this entire year. I was home for 2 days in June, but before that it was in December for Christmas. I am a lame-O!
Rudy and I actually had a pretty weird discussion the other day about what we'd do for the holidays next year. He said we can switch back and forth between families for our holidays. I'm sorry, but I immediately got emotional. I mean, his family lives here and we can see them whenever we want. I was a total baby about what I thought. I mean, I know marriage is all give-and-take or whatever, but he's going to have to fight me for this one. I don't plan on budging any time soon. I know it's far off, but it just freaked me out.
I always get sad during the holidays...ugh. E-M-O! At least I'm keeping so busy with work I don't really think about these things much anymore...that's good news...
Oh, I started running again too. Dang, I am SO sore, hobbling around like an old lady. And THEN I almost fell off of a ladder at the toy store and a giant box of stuffed animals landed on my hed leaving a great big bump. I wore a hat for a week trying to cover it. haha. I am such a dork!
K, tomorrow is my Friday and I am happy about that!!! EEE! ♥ |
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| YAY! |
[Nov. 8th, 2005|06:37 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blah | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Okkervil River, "Black Sheep Boy" | ] |
So, I just bought my plane ticket to Mexico City. Rudy and I take off December 22nd and get back the 27th, and I cannot WAIT! I am totally needing a break before I crack. Working 2 jobs is not so fun and I am generally tired all the time. I come home and want to go to sleep; I wake up, and want to go to sleep; I sleep and want to sleep some more...bleh! I feel like at this stage in the game I should have my life much more in order than the chaotic mess that it is. *sigh*...so it goes, I guess...
Also...missing Rudy is getting so out of hand too. I haven't seen him in over a month, and we have to go one more month now. i have never been so attached to someone in my life. As amazing as it is to be in love, it's super depressing to not be together. Ew...now i 'm tired and gross. Sorry for getting mushy...
Now I'm off to see August Burns Red. Maybe some good ol' metalcore will get rid of all these ridiculous girlie emotions....oh yeeeah...!
xoxo
♥ |
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| *TGIS* |
[May. 7th, 2005|03:17 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | optimistic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Okkervil River, "For Real" | ] |
Saturdays are such a relief when they come. I love the relaxation of sleeping in, opening the day with alleviation instead of dread, and then having the time to take a nice run next to the water. This is the view where I run everyday:
I sometimes forget how much I love it! Today while running through Gas Works Park, I spotted this couple in the distance. You could tell they were so in love, even from a distance. The girl kept jumping around the guy, obviously trying to get him to do something, and he just kept looking away and laughing. After some persistent coaxing, he apparently obeyed her request and they began dancing together. Maybe it was the sun coming up in the distance behind the city, or maybe it was the Aaron Sprinkle song blaring through my i-pod, but it was such a beautiful moment. They went for a bit, and she skipped around him, ending with a kiss on his cheek. It reminded me so much of Rudy and me, it was crazy. I miss him so much. He has been gone nearly a month, but will return in 9 days. I really hope normal couples appreciate one another the way we do when he returns; They really should.
In other news, everything seems to be going much more smoothly since God took the reigns in my life once more. Occasionally it's difficult to stay on track, but I am really working at it. After the Reggie and the Full Effect night, I wasn't sure I'd ever get back on track, but that culmination of events made me realize where i want to be again, and that is closer to God, no matter how difficult that might be.
Well I am off. It's a beautiful day here and should be enjoyed!
♥ |
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| *Welcome to Miami* |
[Mar. 31st, 2005|09:52 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | optimistic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Copeland, "In Motion" | ] |
So, I am officially on VACATION! in Miami. I knooow, can you really believe it? I am having a hard time myself, but perhaps it's because I am STILL at the airport awaiting the arrival of my much-delayed parents. I cannot wait to see them though, and get this party rollin'!
Stress has completely overtaken me at work, and honestly I can barely function anymore. This vacation was perfect timing to get away...from them...from it...the monster that continually chases me. i hate it all. i hate the way they talk to me, the way they treat me, the way they pretend to care. ugh...yes, I am out and free, and tomorrow it's just me and my parents, the beach and sun...and several sighs of relief I'm imagining!
ALSO, Rudy and I have officiall used the "L" word...and it's amazing! I totally love him to pieces. Yeah, how gross is that?! haha...and who would have ever guessed that it would have turned into this. Who would have ever guessed I'd actually use that word?? His budding faith is a constant reminder of where mine lacks, and that is exactly what I need. God is so funny sometimes when He catches us off guard like this.
I'm already feeling a little refreshed...hooray for that!
♥ |
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| *Didn't you untie me, Lord?* |
[Mar. 13th, 2005|02:39 pm] |
...Sometimes a crashing tide sweeps in, rustling the sand, changing its shape, stealing pebbles into its abyss while deserting others still on the shore.
When things change I feel uneasy, like it's my chance to break free...and then I don't. Some people say I'm in a "comfort zone," but if you're never really comfortable to begin with, how can that be true? Maybe it should be called a "discomfort zone." Yes, that's me...me and my discomfort zone.
To those who haven't read it, I strongly recommend, "The Diving Bell and the Butterfly." It will change your views on life, and the simple act of living.
My boyfriend is so wonderful. Yes, boyfriend...there's a first time for everything...and every moment with him is nothing short of lovely. ♥
Sometimes I forget how amazing mewithoutYou are...how could I ever forget that??? |
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| sometimes I'm funny.... |
[Dec. 9th, 2004|12:45 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  okay | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Stars, "Set Yourself On Fire" (of course!) | ] |
So Jonah has taken to calling me "Mac" lately, a name I thought I escaped in high school. Alas, it has resurfaced. But this made me laugh today--->
Him: no problem, mac
Me: no mac!
Him: mac & cheese?
Me: ah, usually people go for the "Easy Mac" route
Him: a little bit too much truth in that one, eh?
Me: you of all people know that's not true
Him: ha ha
I miss that kid sometimes. |
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| *history buried in shame...* |
[Dec. 8th, 2004|06:03 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  cranky | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Stars, "Set Yourself On Fire" | ] |
There's this writer I love, and on his blog he said something that hit me with a bit more force than usual:
"...stumbling around the Bowery, wondering about what it takes to walk away from something that defines and confines you, all at once."
i feel sometimes as if words can have more of an effect on me than I'll ever have on the world, in all my years of existence. I have this unquenchable desire to do something noteable, a sort of "save-the-world-complex" if you will; and then I realize odds are against me. Other times I feel like just gaining a feeling just above worthlessness would be nice. I'm in a bad mood. I'm just ready to go home already. |
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| THE BIG APPLE |
[Nov. 21st, 2004|03:25 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  busy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | my heater | ] |
...off to New York City for a couple of days...Not sure how badly I want to be going, but I'm sure it will be a great time. Plus NYC around Christmas is always beautiful. I'm hoping to talk someone into taking me ice skating at Rockefeller Plaza! But work calls: Underoath at FUSE Monday night, photo shoots / interviews all day Tuesday, sold-out Roseland show Tuesday night (3,200 capacity, people! WOAH!) and then back to work Wednesday. Dang, what a crazy few days it shall be.
Time with Noah and Daniel has been absolutely superb. Now if I can just talk both of them into staying forever...Part of the reason I'm kind of anti-NYC is because I don't want to miss a second with them. How cheesey AM I?! New Norma Jean is shaping up QUITE nicely though!
I feel like I can still taste the Coconut Vodka from last night. Bleh. Sorry I'm missing you here, Roy. BUMMER!
Don't forget --->
Monday, November 22nd
UNDEROATH on FUSE, "Daily Download"
6pm - 7pm EST (will reair 10pm-11pm EST)
♥ ♥ ♥ |
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| *i'm a dictaphone of drunken slurs...* |
[Nov. 16th, 2004|06:41 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | been better... | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The Good Life | ] |
Ever have those moments when you suddenly realize all your priorities are completely off? Maybe I should be having more of these. Maybe I'm just the one completely off.
You're pushing me so close to the edge, I'm liable to fall...but maybe that's all you really want. You want me off this island as much as I want to be set free. Pretty soon, something is going to break. It will be exciting to see what drifts my way next.
...and right when I needed a strong embrace, there you were. It's like you could feel everything I needed, and you made all my worries disappear. Neither of us wanted to let go. And I loved every second of it. ♥ |
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| *She was hard and as cracked as the Liberty Bell* |
[Oct. 19th, 2004|09:32 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | grateful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Elliot Smith, "From a Basement on the Hill" | ] |
I am back...in more ways than one. Hooray for that. Last week was such a great time! New York City, Boston, Hotels in Connecticut...ahh, so much so fast, but what wonderful hugs, what wonderful friends!!
A few highlights are as follows:
• Hanging with Derek, Jen, and John first night out..including Drive-Thru after party. Fight ensued between some
random drunk guy and me.
Him (after learning I worked for T&N): Wow, I'm gonna say I love Jesus so I can sell my records.
Me: Nah, you probably still wouldn't sell any. Your band sucks. (hee hee)
Random strippers made things very odd. $48 for 3 drinks...what?! Late night / early morning hang out with
Norma Jean and Ben Harper's bandmates...yeah...weird...
• Solid State Showcase = seeing old friends, great performances, very long walks for food and coffee
• He Is Legend, both the show and the boys. Both live up to the hype!
• Hanging out with very cute boy...hee hee...
• 4:00am dinner thing resulting in seeing my brother's roomies walking down the street. Rushed outside to greet
them...looked like psycho girl attacking boys on the street at 4am.
• The best of all: China Town Bus. 3 friends. 1 back seat. A looong drive to Boston. Should have jumped out at
McDonald's, kids. No better company to have.
• Underoath = cuddles. Dancing in the rain. IHOP late at night. Drives in to the city with that perfect skyline.
• Tooth & Nail Showcase. Chris Carrabba hangin' out. mewithoutYou - could they be any more perfect?! Underoath was
insane. My stack of drink tickets seemed to disappear. I shared the wealth...John was definitely rich in it.
• John's insane mood. Pizza at 5am. Surprises in the hotel. Sleeping in...ahhh...niiiiice. Jen and I took advantage, but
still ended up with the sickies.
So much more...I can't even cover it all. I got sick, but am feeling a little better today. Can't wait for the weekend, that's for sure. On another note:
For Noah...(a little early)
Love you, Dude! |
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| "Let your honesty shine..." |
[Aug. 19th, 2004|08:36 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | okay | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Simon & Garfunkel, "The Only Living Boy in New York" | ] |
ahh...I like to pretend that the Garden State soundtrack is Zach Braff's personal mix cd he made just for me! Ohh Zach, yes, yes, I will marry you! ♥
+++
K, so i went to the Starbucks at Westlake Center this morning only to be scared by that scary German girl again. She is SO intense.
Her: Very Deep, scary German accent. Stern, Stern voice.
Me: well you know me, and i'm quite the opposite.
Conversation:
Her: What would you like? (very impatiently)
Me: Could I get a tall vanilla latte, please?
Her: A double of single shot?
Me: Single, please
Her: Double, yes?
Me: No, just a single please?
Her: Double, yes?
Me: Um...no.
Her: It is early, you need double, yes?
Me: No thank you.
Her: I will make it a double
Me: Nooo...I only want a single!
Her: okay, this time a single.
Well, gee, thanks for making my order so simple. Awwwwesome. Just like this entire week.
+++
Can we just talk about the fact that I’m extremely homesick right now? What’s worse is what happened earlier in the evening. I was taking my run down by Matthews Beach and kept seeing all of these little Mexican babies. Ah, I love them so much. Then I turn the corner and there it is: a huge BBQ complete with piñata and all. This entire family, that looked SO much like ours. There was even a Tio Alex holding the reigns of the piñata. I was trying to run, but got all teary eyed. It was seriously like watching a flash back. All the tamales, all the laughter…everything. Sammy and Vicky, I’m missing you like crazy…really…I wish we could have one of those again. Just one more time. I think I’d appreciate everything so much more.
+++
I’m taking a break from boys. I mean, partly because they’re taking a break from me first…haha…but I feel better about things pretending like it’s by choice. Thanks to you who have asked to be “on deck.” I appreciate it. |
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| *God is love and love is real...* |
[Aug. 16th, 2004|09:03 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | cranky | ] |
| [ | music |
| | mewithoutYou "Catch for us the Foxes" | ] |
i had the weirdest dream last night. i was at sxsw or cmj, or one of those trendy / cool places with the showcases. so everyone at work and a bunch of bands are at this showcase, and it turns out, i'm the performer. not just a performer, but a freestyler rapper. and i just get frantic and think, "what the hell am I doing here?! i can't do this...I don't know how to rap!" but the stage manager just puts this head-set mic on me and pushes me out to the stage. yeah, that's right, a head-set mic! And while I'm being pushed out on stage i yell at john frazier, "EVERYONE knows you're the best free style rapper at Tooth & Nail! Why am I doing this?!" (what? John Frazier, a rapper? makes no sense in reality!) but i get forced out anyway. and i'm there, and the beat starts and i just start dancing, and then turn my mic off so they think there are technical difficulties. so just to keep the crowd going (it was a rowdy crowd) i start dancing, and pretending that i'm pissed because my mic isn't working. anyway, i get the crowd movin' and groovin' and when no one is paying attention (which is really impossible in this scenario) I ran for the door...and kept running...and I was so panic-stricken and out of breath. and running and running...and then Dusty saved my life by text messaged me at 6am. I woke up and was SO relieved to not be a freestyle rapper! *sigh*...thank you dusty!
anyway...last week I was really distracted. this week shall be a new story. Back to work, just work. No distractions. This is how it should be anyway. this makes much more sense to me.
Heroes of the day: Jonah and Dusty...thank you boys! |
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| *as i hold you and listen to you sleeping...* |
[Aug. 15th, 2004|01:25 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  content | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The Good Life, "Inmates" | ] |
had an awesome night with summer and noah. there's nothing better than conversation with good friends. it was definitely what i was needing right now. Minnie's and then out to gas works park. perfect weather and a beautiful view of the city. perfect talks, and a whole lotta entertainment from this guy --->
hahaha. noah never ceases to be completely random and utterly hilarious. too bad I couldn't find one of the dough boy moshin' it up...or "pouring out of the Space Needle" for that matter...haha.
Still listening to "The Good Life." Thanks to them for writing a song that is nearly the entire summation of last year's relationship. The song: Inmates. Sample Lyric: "Yeah, I guess you hurt me, for once you're a man of your words."
Nice talks with the parents also made the day grand! ♥ |
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| *over, and over, and over again...* |
[Aug. 14th, 2004|10:53 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | calm | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Wilco, "We're Just Friends" (how appropriate) | ] |
the sleep thing is getting annoying. i instead went for a long run, which helped clear my thoughts tremendously. i almost didn't want to come back inside...just keep running and thinking. i went to Matthews Beach for a bit, sat by the water and had some alone time. that was nice. i ran a new path, right under a mulberry tree. adam would have been so excited. sometimes i think clarity comes when you stop thinking so hard.
i woke up this morning with this thought: "Be still and know that I am God." sometimes i just need to settle down and truly acknowledge that. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 13th, 2004|09:04 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  tired | ] |
| [ | music |
| | juanes, "fotografia" (miss you, Vicky!) | ] |
...maybe i should just give up on that whole sleep thing... |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 13th, 2004|01:45 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | tired | ] |
| [ | music |
| | the hum of the refrigerator... | ] |
Not such a great day...sorry to anyone I snapped at. I'm glad Drew came to save me for a bit though...it was a nice change from "Wuthering Heights," which Anneka and I decided to watch for simply being too lazy to change the channel and find something else. I must admit, "Curb Your Enthusiasm" was much better!
In other news, I miss you, Noah. We need to hang out very soon. And I'm not just talking the ol' Sureshot chance meeting, I'm talking a genuine, Noah - Amanda heart to heart. Call me when you're free and not off camping, or studying Latin, or whatever other randomness is going on in your life.
I've been thinking and praying about so many things I didn't think I'd have to be. haha...that was totally ambiguous, sorry! Details shall follow...
My eyelids are very heavy...sweet dreams, world! ♥ |
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| Zach Braff...*sigh*... |
[Aug. 10th, 2004|10:09 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | The Garden State Soundtrack... | ] |
I had the amazing pleasure of seeing The Garden State tonight. Walking out of the theater, my initial thought was that I couldn't wait to see it again. Ahh...Zach Braff, I loved you before, but now...now, it's so much deeper than that. Hee hee. Seriously though, it's a beautiful movie. Natalie Portman is amazing as well! I just loved everything about it.
I'm sad that my friends drop off the face of the earth when they find their "soulmate" and it scares me to think that I could ever do that to my friends. Even someone who claims to really want to fix everything between us. He doesn't even return calls or messages...now that hurts...
this movie got me thinking way too much! |
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